Today is the 13th Day that Yam has left us. This shall end his 13th day’s Hindu Ritual and a beginning of other rituals to follow, which shall be performed by me until we perform Aayan’s Bratabanda.
I had promised to write about his hospital stay, for I needed to thank many. The very first respondent to our health,Yam’s health was Dr.Bikram and Dr.Hema; my little family in every joy and sorrow. They had called me every time when Yam was at home and hospital; advised me medications,investigations and procedures.I shall always be grateful to this little family of mine.
After we admitted Yam, Puja’s brother Surya stayed at hospital. Thank you Sandesh to respond first with help, emotional and financial both,at very critical time. Surya brother stayed at hospital,waiting outside as visitors weren’t allowed inside COVID ward. Yam stayed in general COVID ward for 2 days. His oxygen was maintained well above 90% in high flow nasal canal of 40 liters on day 1 and 2. But, to monitor better, we shifted Yam to Intensive care unit (ICU). Yam had difficulty to breath, hence he refused HRCT chest 1st day, but on 2nd day,we asked him for HRCT Chest. When I got HRCT film on my messenger early morning the next day, it was hard for me. I was completely shattered into pieces as I could clearly see extensive infiltration, severe COVID pneumonia. I first informed Puja that Yam had pneumonia. In the lobby of Planet,I couldn’t hold any longer and broke into tears. Bishnu supported me and told not to cry as Puja might see me into tears. But, when Puja saw my face and tears, she couldn’t hold either. We cried,hiding from each other. We managed to go to hospital ,I went to ICU and saw Yam. He was in high flow oxygen. His oxygen was maintained on 1st day in ICU.His blood workup wasn’t that bad either.I fed him lunch.He asked me who were outside. I said Puja,Surya,Rabin and Rajaram. He asked me how Aayan, Mom, Grandfather and Laxmi were. He then inquired about Francesco and Silvia. I told him that everyone were fine. I hadn’t told Francesco about Yam’s HRCT and ICU admission until then.nNeither did Grandfather and Mom knew about his critical condition. He always talked about Rudra brother. He was very close to him. I stayed the whole day in ICU that day.It was very hard for me, to see him suffer though he never told me he had difficulty .We returned early that day after I fed him his dinner. He ate fruit juice,Real. He loved that.
Then, the next day, I was told by Yam that there was no oxygen supply at night. I was shaken in disbelief. I asked nurse what was the reason.She told he had difficulty to breath,so he felt that there was no oxygen.Then, I was with him. His oxygen was above 83% all the time.But, the next day, Yam told me he had severe shortness of breathe and was rescued by doctors. He asked me to stay longer tonight and not to go earlier. I know how I had felt and what i have gone through to hear that. He told there was no oxygen supply at night. I asked Rabin and Rajaram to arrange oxygen cylinders immediately. I fed him and went in search of oxygen.We had arranged one already when Yam was sick. We got it to hospital from Planet. Then we looked immensely and gathered five cylinders that day. We went to hospital and I saw Yam’s oxygen was above 85% all the times. It was past 2 am,we went home then. Silvia had asked me to tell about Yam’s condition to Francesco. So,i told everything. You can imagine how difficult it was for me to tell about my brother’s condition to an ill father with cancer. That night, neither Puja nor me could sleep. We both along with Rabin and Rajaram slept in the same room with Aayan after Yam was admitted.Both of us were in tears throughout the night that day.
We went the next morning.Yam’s oxygen was above 75% only. I asked him if he was in pain or difficulty to breath. He told he didn’t have any. He wanted fruits ,cucumber and rice along with fruit juice Real. He had difficulty to pass urine, he had no strength. I helped him, then I asked the duty doctor to catheterize him with a foley’s catheter. I told Yam not to worry about oxygen, we had arranged 15 cylinders in total for him. Thanks to family and friends for the effort. Special thanks to Marta,Massimo, Stefano, Silvia, Vincenzo, Guido and Nicoletta in this effort to arrange oxygen cylinder. Francesco, Marta, Silvia, Massimo, Vincenzo, Nicoletta, Guido, Dr Bikram, Dr.Hema, Rudra dai, Senator Kalyani , Ram Kumar dai and Army Major Santosh dai never left me alone during all these days. I am indebted to you all.
Yam’s oxygen was just around 65-70%. Doctor had suggested for intubation. I called Francesco. He was very worried, so were us. Then,I called Dr. Bikram . He asked me all about Yam’s parameter. He suggested me not to intubate and wait. We waited till 2 am. His oxygen was above 75%. Then we went home,back at planet.I was all in tears. Puja asked me to rest.I couldn’t rest. I was suffering. I was in pain. I couldn’t cry aloud as Puja wouldn’t be able to control her tears. She cried silently, so did I.
The next morning, it was a battle for me to enter the ICU. With little courage, I went in. I was very happy to see his oxygen to 92% but he was in CPAP. He asked me for his lunch. I fed him. During feeding, he was in reservoir bag,his oxygen being around 85%. He told me to let the nurse feed him as it was difficult for my left hand to grab and hold stuffs. The nurse fed him. I watched him with joy as his oxygen was maintained. He asked me about everyone,then told me about a doctor named Laura. Then he told he would talk to her once he was well. He had wanted me to talk to her initially. He then told that he shall be fine in 5-6 days and be shifted in general ward and would talk to her by himself. We talked for sometime then. Then, i let him sleep. His oxygen was maintained. I went out and told Puja that his oxygen saturation was maintained. We were both happy.
I always sent Francesco,Silvia,Vincenzo,Guido,Nicoletta and Marta updates. If I am little late, Francesco would call me in my mobile from Italy. I could understand his worries and anxiety. That is what a father does,isn’t it?
I entered again, fed him soup and then told about Francesco’s update in Facebook’s group. I told him, not to worry; that he shall be fine. He told me that the management at hospital wasn’t good. With good doctors, we also need good management for better outcome. He also told me that it was around 20 days that he couldn’t see mother and grandfather and take their blessing. He told me, The situation is difficult brother,take me back home’. I told him, I shall look for a better hospital. It was peak course of COVID in Nepal. Even though we had money, there was no ICU bed available anywhere. I was helpless, hopeless. He had always found me the best places, I could find none for him. I counseled him. I had been talking with Dr Bikram,Dr. Hema and Dr. Nimesh. They had been talking to other doctors. But there was no ICU beds,not in HAMS,Medicity,Norvic, Grande,Metro,Patan,KMCTH,Teaching,Bir,none!
The next day, his oxygen was above 85%. Yam told that he hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday. The nurse informed me that in an effort to feed,his oxygen dropped. Since Yam insisted in eating solid food, I asked on duty consultant Dr.Rujan. He told me to try in reservoir mask and feed. Yam told me that oxygen might decrease. I told him that the on-duty doctor suggested. As soon as I loosened the stripes of CPAP, his oxygen saturation dropped to around 70-60-50 %. You can imagine how a doctor and a brother felt at that moment. I then told Yam to go on for liquid food for some days. He asked me,until when? It was hard for me to be strong. I told him,you shall eat when you shall be fine,in 2-3 days. Then, from the right corner,I passed the pipe,straw and feed him soups, lentils and real juice. After that, i went out,with just half my heart.
It was painful that he wanted to eat but couldn’t. He who always fed everyone craved for solid food in his last days. I had suggested for NG feeding tube but that might cause leaking in CPAP, so the idea was dropped by on-duty doctor.
The next morning, his saturation was above 90%.I was happy. Doctors thought he was recovering, so did I. I was very happy to feed him, liquids. We talked. Then, the day was a happy day as his oxygen saturation was maintained. We also ate some food that day. At night,his saturation was 68-70% again, checked the CPAP,rearranged the setting. The oxygen saturation increased. I gave him soup,medicine and milk from the right corner, using the straw. Then,Yam asked what the time was.I told him, it was 10pm. He told me he would rest and asked me to go home. I asked him if he was feeling fine. He told me he was feeling fine. I told the nurse and doctors what to do if his oxygen dropped .I told them I shall come early next morning and left Yam to sleep with his oxygen saturation above 90%. I had asked Rajaram to check for oxygen saturation hourly and inform me. He had informed me that his saturation was 92% after an hour.
I was happy and content. We ate dinner that day,in planet, in 9 days after Yam’s admission in ICU. We were always worried and always late. Then we went to bed.
At 3 am, I got a call from Rajaram. He told Yam needed intubation and mechanical ventilation. I told him to do whatever needed, but keep my brother alive. I was unconscious then. I got another call from Rajaram, but Dr Gopal spoke from other end, he told me that Yam’s heart had stopped and they were performing CPR since 30 minutes. It was 6:28 am and the world was apart for me. I asked him to continue trying. I told Amrit,he is going, maybe in 30 minutes. Amrit broke to tears. I went home. Grandfather didn’t know Yam was in ICU. I told him about his demise. He couldn’t bear it. Laxmi was too young to handle, she fainted in tears more than 10 times that day. Mom and Puja were in the same state as Laxmi. Ayaan couldn’t see us crying. He told Puja not to cry. He requested Bishnu to help his mother stop crying. She couldn’t stop crying, how could she? Who could? No one! I stayed with Aayan. His question shattered me more. “How can dad die? He is in hospital.If he has died, whom shall I call dad? Where shall I stay? What shall we do without him? I had always asked him to stop chewing Parag? What will happen now? “and so many naive questions? I had no answers. Like him, I had lost a father,more than a brother. He tendered me like a son. Ayaan was too young to comprehend what had happened. He was too naive to understand how injustice was served to the one who always did the justice.
I posted in my Facebook-a message telling Yam to smile wherever he was. I called Francesco at around 10:30 am. We both cried, what more could we do? We went to Pashupatinath, the place where he had been hundreds of times. This time, he was wrapped in gray colored bag. We could only offer flowers from distance. We couldn’t touch him, we couldn’t see him.I knew how he was a night before in hospital. I had wished to stand looking at him forever and wished he wasn’t taken to be burnt. I had wished that he stayed with me forever. How can I believe in God when he took my brother away? Puja had always wanted to see him during hospital days. Yam had always told not to bring her inside as she shall break looking at him in that condition. She shall cry and be hurt. She won’t be able to see him suffer. I was helpless then, i am helpless now.He left her, he who didn’t want her to see him suffer left-in all the sufferings of world. How could you, dear brother? Come back if you can. He had wished Planet stand firm. His wishes and words shall be fulfilled. He shall always stay with me,w ith Puja, Aayan, Francesco,Mom,Laxmi, Grandfather and Planet’s family. He shall stay with Planet’s big family around the world, who came here as a guest and left as a family. With tears, I want to say again, to you my brother, Please Smile wherever you are now. You have given me everything,with love, always. I want to thank you for being born as my brother and if reincarnation persists, i want you to be my brother again, but with much longer life for you.
With gratitude and in tears, I write and thank you to all those who have written about Yam before and after he left us.I am indebted to all of you. Please continue writing about my brother and help us stand firm again.I am proud of him and he is worth more than it. I express my sincere gratitude for all the help offered to everyone, during our hard time.
THANKYOU
YAGYA,PUJA,FRANCESCO,AAYAN,GRANDFATHER,MOM, LAXMI,SISTERS AND PLANET’S FAMILY
REST IN PEACE DAI.
I LOVE YOU, LIKE ALWAYS.
Dr.Yagya Prasad Timalsina 